Dowcipy w kategorii Dog jokes
A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didn't I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?
A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and the dalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out my web site!" The hound asked for the address and the dalmation responded, "www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left. When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over. The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver before!"
A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.
A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner. He found the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!"
A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.
Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!
Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!
Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but don't call me "Shortly!"
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!
Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!
Dad, I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to, it already has its own spots!
Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch. All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then stroll ed over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!
How can if you have a stupid dog ? It chases parked cars !
How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!
How can you tell a dog from a tomato? The tomato is red.
How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? Delighted.
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.
How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster ? Terrier-fied !
How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ? Melon-collie !
How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ? Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your back yard.
How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
How do you stop a dog smelling ? Put a peg on it's nose !
How many hairs are in a dog's tail? None. They are all on the outside.
How many seasons are there in a dogs life ? Just one, the moulting season !
I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band, what's his other favorite instrument to play? A trombone.
My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough".
Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire? A.It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!
Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one else will do it for them
Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? - A: From chasing cars.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - A: It stole the show!
Q: What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper? - A: RUFF!
Q: What goes "krab, krab, krab"? - A: A dog barking in a mirror.
Q: What has got four legs and an arm? - A: A Rottweiler in a playground.
Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.
Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The Outside.
Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.
Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open.
Q: When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.
Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it was the chickens day off.
Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A: Because you can't bury them in the sky!
Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face? - A: Because it's the scenter.
Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why, all four of them touch the floor.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopoed beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. "You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ? "I must throw that doggie out the window !"!
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? "Well, doggone !"
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.
What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684? The wrong answer.
What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.
What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.
What did the dog take when he was run down? The license number of the car that hit him.
What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.
What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.
What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !
What do dogs have that no other animal has ? Puppy dogs !
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow ? Slush puppies !
What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ? A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !
What do you call a black Eskimo dog ? A dusky husky !
What do you call a black Eskimo dog ? A dusky husky !
What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater ? A plain clothes police dog !
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road ? A mutt in a rut !
What do you call a dog with no legs ? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !
What do you call a happy Lassie ? A jolly collie !
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ? A dingo-ling !
What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories ? A shaggy dogs tale !
What do you call an alcoholic dog ? A whino !
What do you call an alcoholic dog ? A whino !
What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones ? Hush puppies !
What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep ? A sheep that can round itself up !
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ? An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ? A computer with a lot of bites !
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog ? Dingo Starr !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ? A dog that chases cars - and catches them !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole ? A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog ? A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde ? A jet setter !
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena ? I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs !
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly ? The collie wobbles !
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower !
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk ? A Great Dane out !
What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird? A Doberman fincher!
What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!
What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!
What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!
What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!
What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!
What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard!
What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water? A hot-weiler!
What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!
What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!
What dog wears contact lenses ? A cock-eyed spaniel !
What dog wears contact lenses ? A cock-eyed spaniel !
What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ? Wire haired terriers !!
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ? Wire haired terriers !!
What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!
What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer? Woofleball
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ? His bark was much worse than it's bite !
What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !
What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir.
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table ? He gets splinters in his mouth !
What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet? A thousand dogs.
What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!
What is a baseball dog? One that chases fowls.
What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!
What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!
What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour? A double crosser.
What is a dog's favourite food ? Anything that is on your plate !
What is a dog's favourite sport ? Formula 1 drooling !
What is a dogs favourite flower ? Anything in your garden !
What is black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!
What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.
What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!
What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox? If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
What is the dogs favourite city ? New Yorkie !
What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!
What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.
What is your dog's favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs!
What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!
What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best? Lap-top!
What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie!
What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!
What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!
What kind of dog chases anything red ? A bull dog !
What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!
What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!
What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!
What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ? A bud hound !
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ? A bud hound !
What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it ? A sausage dog !
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ? A guard dog !
What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog ? Chump chops !
What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!
What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.
What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out.
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!
What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? You should know more than your dog.
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ? A petticoat !
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ? A petticoat !
What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.
What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!
What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
What's a dog favourite hobby ? Collecting fleas !
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!
When does a dog go "moo" ? When it is learning a new language !
When does a dog go "moo" ? When it is learning a new language !
When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
When is a black dog not a black dog ? When it's a greyhound !
When is a dog most impolite? When he points.
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open !
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do? Take the words right out of his mouth.
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !
Where do Eskimos train their dogs ? In the mush room !
Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake? To a weterinarian!
Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.
Where will a springer spaniel never shop? At a flea market!
Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.
Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.
Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.
Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ? Growlcho Marx !
Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!
Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his "paw."
Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
Why did the dog jump into the sea? He wanted to chase the catfish!
Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.
Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.
Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.
Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
Why did the dog wear white sneakers ? Because his boots were at the menders !
Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ? He was trying to make both ends meet !
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck.
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks? Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
Why do dogs run in circles ? Because its hard to run in squares !
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ? Because you can't bury them in trees !
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
Why do dogs wag their tails ? "Because no one else will do it for them !"
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ? Cats can't drive !
Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night? Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s? He puts down the three and carries the one.
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ? Because they mess up the whole house !
Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard? They're all paws.
Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.
Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.
A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didn't I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?
A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and the dalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out my web site!" The hound asked for the address and the dalmation responded, "www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left. When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over. The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver before!"
A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.
A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner. He found the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!"
A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.
Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!
Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!
Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but don't call me "Shortly!"
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!
Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!
Dad, I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to, it already has its own spots!
Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch. All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then stroll ed over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!
How can if you have a stupid dog ? It chases parked cars !
How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!
How can you tell a dog from a tomato? The tomato is red.
How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? Delighted.
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.
How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster ? Terrier-fied !
How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ? Melon-collie !
How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ? Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your back yard.
How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
How do you stop a dog smelling ? Put a peg on it's nose !
How many hairs are in a dog's tail? None. They are all on the outside.
How many seasons are there in a dogs life ? Just one, the moulting season !
I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band, what's his other favorite instrument to play? A trombone.
My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough".
Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire? A.It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!
Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one else will do it for them
Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? - A: From chasing cars.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - A: It stole the show!
Q: What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper? - A: RUFF!
Q: What goes "krab, krab, krab"? - A: A dog barking in a mirror.
Q: What has got four legs and an arm? - A: A Rottweiler in a playground.
Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.
Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The Outside.
Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.
Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open.
Q: When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.
Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it was the chickens day off.
Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A: Because you can't bury them in the sky!
Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face? - A: Because it's the scenter.
Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why, all four of them touch the floor.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopoed beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. "You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ? "I must throw that doggie out the window !"!
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? "Well, doggone !"
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.
What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684? The wrong answer.
What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.
What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.
What did the dog take when he was run down? The license number of the car that hit him.
What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.
What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.
What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !
What do dogs have that no other animal has ? Puppy dogs !
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow ? Slush puppies !
What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ? A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !
What do you call a black Eskimo dog ? A dusky husky !
What do you call a black Eskimo dog ? A dusky husky !
What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater ? A plain clothes police dog !
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road ? A mutt in a rut !
What do you call a dog with no legs ? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !
What do you call a happy Lassie ? A jolly collie !
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ? A dingo-ling !
What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories ? A shaggy dogs tale !
What do you call an alcoholic dog ? A whino !
What do you call an alcoholic dog ? A whino !
What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones ? Hush puppies !
What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep ? A sheep that can round itself up !
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ? An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ? A computer with a lot of bites !
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog ? Dingo Starr !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ? A dog that chases cars - and catches them !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole ? A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog ? A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde ? A jet setter !
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena ? I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs !
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly ? The collie wobbles !
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower !
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk ? A Great Dane out !
What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird? A Doberman fincher!
What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!
What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!
What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!
What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!
What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!
What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard!
What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water? A hot-weiler!
What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!
What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!
What dog wears contact lenses ? A cock-eyed spaniel !
What dog wears contact lenses ? A cock-eyed spaniel !
What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ? Wire haired terriers !!
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ? Wire haired terriers !!
What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!
What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer? Woofleball
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ? His bark was much worse than it's bite !
What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !
What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir.
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table ? He gets splinters in his mouth !
What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet? A thousand dogs.
What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!
What is a baseball dog? One that chases fowls.
What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!
What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!
What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour? A double crosser.
What is a dog's favourite food ? Anything that is on your plate !
What is a dog's favourite sport ? Formula 1 drooling !
What is a dogs favourite flower ? Anything in your garden !
What is black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!
What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.
What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!
What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox? If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
What is the dogs favourite city ? New Yorkie !
What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!
What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.
What is your dog's favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs!
What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!
What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best? Lap-top!
What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie!
What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!
What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!
What kind of dog chases anything red ? A bull dog !
What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!
What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!
What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!
What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ? A bud hound !
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ? A bud hound !
What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it ? A sausage dog !
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ? A guard dog !
What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog ? Chump chops !
What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!
What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.
What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out.
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!
What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? You should know more than your dog.
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ? A petticoat !
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ? A petticoat !
What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.
What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!
What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
What's a dog favourite hobby ? Collecting fleas !
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!
When does a dog go "moo" ? When it is learning a new language !
When does a dog go "moo" ? When it is learning a new language !
When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
When is a black dog not a black dog ? When it's a greyhound !
When is a dog most impolite? When he points.
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open !
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do? Take the words right out of his mouth.
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !
Where do Eskimos train their dogs ? In the mush room !
Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake? To a weterinarian!
Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.
Where will a springer spaniel never shop? At a flea market!
Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.
Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.
Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.
Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ? Growlcho Marx !
Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!
Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his "paw."
Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
Why did the dog jump into the sea? He wanted to chase the catfish!
Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.
Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.
Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.
Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
Why did the dog wear white sneakers ? Because his boots were at the menders !
Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ? He was trying to make both ends meet !
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck.
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks? Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
Why do dogs run in circles ? Because its hard to run in squares !
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ? Because you can't bury them in trees !
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
Why do dogs wag their tails ? "Because no one else will do it for them !"
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ? Cats can't drive !
Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night? Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s? He puts down the three and carries the one.
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ? Because they mess up the whole house !
Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard? They're all paws.
Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.
Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.