Dowcipy w kategorii Bird jokes
"Look at that speed!" said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. "Where were you? I was worried sick." "It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas??? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven ess. I will try to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? "He wanted to be a hentertainer."
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!
How do you get a cut-price parrot ? Plant bird seed !
How do you get a parrot to talk properly ? Send him to polytechnic !
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it.
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday ? Eat him on Saturday !
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely ? With it's sparrowchute !
How long do chickens work ? Around the cluck !
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
Is chicken soup good for your health ? Not if you're the chicken !
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?" A: He was studying foreign languages.
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break
Teacher: What's a robin? Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.
Teacher: What's the definition of a Polygamist? Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
Two owls were playing pool. One said, "Two hits." The other replied, "Two hits to who?"
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What bird tastes just like butter ? A stork !
What birds are found in Portugal ? Portu-geese !
What birds spend all their time on their knees ? Birds of prey !
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy ? "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours !"
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ? 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid' !
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ? She kicked the bucket !
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!
What did the parrot say on Independence Day? Polly wants a firecracker!
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What did the rich socialite's parrot say? Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish ? Tweetie Pie !
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics !
What do chickens serve at birthday parties ? Coop-cakes !
What do confused owls say? Too-whit-to-why?
What do owls sing when it is raining ? 'Too wet to woo' !
What do parrots eat ? Polyfilla !
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.
What do you call a bird that lives underground ? A mynah bird !
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek ? Fowl play !
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? Dead.
What do you call a crate of ducks ? A box of quackers !
What do you call a crazy chicken ? A cuckoo cluck !
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ? An alarm cluck !
What do you call a Scottish parrot ? A Macaw !
What do you call a very rude bird ? A mockingbird !
What do you call a vulture with no beak? A head banger.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ? A headbanger !
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ? The bombshell !
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
What do you get from a drunk chicken ? Scotch eggs !
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer ? A brick-layer !
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework ? A firequaker !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede ? A great walkie-talkie !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark ? A bird that will talk you ear off !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker ? A bird that talks in morse code !
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon ? A bird who knocks before delivering its message !
What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender ? Shredded Tweet !
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn ? An eggroll !
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down !
What do you give a sick bird ? Tweetment !
What does an educated owl say? Whom.
What flies through the jungle singing opera ? The parrots of Penzance !
What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot? A polygon .
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang' ? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ? She was tickled to death !
What happened when the chicken ate cement ? She laid a sidewalk !
What happened when the owl lost his voice ? He didn't give a hoot !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ? She lays hand gren-eggs !
What happens when ducks fly upside down ? They quack up !
What happens when geese land in a volcano ? They cook their own gooses !
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg ? It eggs-plodes !
What is a duck's favorite TV show ? The feather forecast !
What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
What is a parrot's favorite game ? Hide and Speak !
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
What is a polygon ? A dead parrot !
What is green and pecks on trees ? Woody Wood Pickle !
What is the strongest bird ? A crane !
What is the definition of a goose ? An animal that grows down as it grows up !
What is the definition of Robin ? A bird who steals !
What is the difference between a fly and a bird ? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !
What kind of bird lays electric eggs ? A battery hen !
What kind of bird opens doors ? A kiwi !
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up ? Jail-birds !
What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
What language do birds speak ? Pigeon English !
What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock? Politics
What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!
What's a parrot's favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!
What's another name for a clever duck ? A wise quacker !
What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What's got six legs and can fly long distances ? Three swallows !
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
What's the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!
What's the definition of Polystyrene? A plastic parrot!
When is the best time to buy budgies ? When they're going cheap !
Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !
Where do birds meet for coffee ? In a nest-cafe !
Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!
Which bird is always out of breath ? A puffin !
Which bird ran for President? H. Ross Parrot
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"? Short John Silver!
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
Why did the chick disappoint his mother ? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
Why did the chicken cross the playground ? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ? It wanted to get to the other site !
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the chicken cross the road half way ? He wanted to lay it on the line !
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ? Because it ran out of cluck !
Why did the owl, owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !
Why did the rooster run away ? He was chicken !
Why did the turkey cross the road ? To prove he wasn't chicken
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ? Because he didn't have enough guts
Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !
Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it?).
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
Why does a rooster watch TV ? For hentertainment !
Why don't chickens like people ? They beat eggs !
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ? Because they're both full of stuffing !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ? Because talk is cheep !
Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ? Because eggs were going up !
"Look at that speed!" said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. "Where were you? I was worried sick." "It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas??? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven ess. I will try to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? "He wanted to be a hentertainer."
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!
How do you get a cut-price parrot ? Plant bird seed !
How do you get a parrot to talk properly ? Send him to polytechnic !
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it.
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday ? Eat him on Saturday !
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely ? With it's sparrowchute !
How long do chickens work ? Around the cluck !
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
Is chicken soup good for your health ? Not if you're the chicken !
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?" A: He was studying foreign languages.
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break
Teacher: What's a robin? Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.
Teacher: What's the definition of a Polygamist? Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
Two owls were playing pool. One said, "Two hits." The other replied, "Two hits to who?"
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What bird tastes just like butter ? A stork !
What birds are found in Portugal ? Portu-geese !
What birds spend all their time on their knees ? Birds of prey !
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy ? "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours !"
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ? 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid' !
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ? She kicked the bucket !
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!
What did the parrot say on Independence Day? Polly wants a firecracker!
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What did the rich socialite's parrot say? Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish ? Tweetie Pie !
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics !
What do chickens serve at birthday parties ? Coop-cakes !
What do confused owls say? Too-whit-to-why?
What do owls sing when it is raining ? 'Too wet to woo' !
What do parrots eat ? Polyfilla !
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.
What do you call a bird that lives underground ? A mynah bird !
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek ? Fowl play !
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? Dead.
What do you call a crate of ducks ? A box of quackers !
What do you call a crazy chicken ? A cuckoo cluck !
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ? An alarm cluck !
What do you call a Scottish parrot ? A Macaw !
What do you call a very rude bird ? A mockingbird !
What do you call a vulture with no beak? A head banger.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ? A headbanger !
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ? The bombshell !
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
What do you get from a drunk chicken ? Scotch eggs !
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer ? A brick-layer !
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework ? A firequaker !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede ? A great walkie-talkie !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark ? A bird that will talk you ear off !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker ? A bird that talks in morse code !
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon ? A bird who knocks before delivering its message !
What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender ? Shredded Tweet !
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn ? An eggroll !
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down !
What do you give a sick bird ? Tweetment !
What does an educated owl say? Whom.
What flies through the jungle singing opera ? The parrots of Penzance !
What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot? A polygon .
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang' ? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ? She was tickled to death !
What happened when the chicken ate cement ? She laid a sidewalk !
What happened when the owl lost his voice ? He didn't give a hoot !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ? She lays hand gren-eggs !
What happens when ducks fly upside down ? They quack up !
What happens when geese land in a volcano ? They cook their own gooses !
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg ? It eggs-plodes !
What is a duck's favorite TV show ? The feather forecast !
What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
What is a parrot's favorite game ? Hide and Speak !
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
What is a polygon ? A dead parrot !
What is green and pecks on trees ? Woody Wood Pickle !
What is the strongest bird ? A crane !
What is the definition of a goose ? An animal that grows down as it grows up !
What is the definition of Robin ? A bird who steals !
What is the difference between a fly and a bird ? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !
What kind of bird lays electric eggs ? A battery hen !
What kind of bird opens doors ? A kiwi !
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up ? Jail-birds !
What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
What language do birds speak ? Pigeon English !
What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock? Politics
What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!
What's a parrot's favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!
What's another name for a clever duck ? A wise quacker !
What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What's got six legs and can fly long distances ? Three swallows !
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
What's the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!
What's the definition of Polystyrene? A plastic parrot!
When is the best time to buy budgies ? When they're going cheap !
Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !
Where do birds meet for coffee ? In a nest-cafe !
Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!
Which bird is always out of breath ? A puffin !
Which bird ran for President? H. Ross Parrot
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"? Short John Silver!
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
Why did the chick disappoint his mother ? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
Why did the chicken cross the playground ? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ? It wanted to get to the other site !
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the chicken cross the road half way ? He wanted to lay it on the line !
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ? Because it ran out of cluck !
Why did the owl, owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !
Why did the rooster run away ? He was chicken !
Why did the turkey cross the road ? To prove he wasn't chicken
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ? Because he didn't have enough guts
Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !
Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it?).
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
Why does a rooster watch TV ? For hentertainment !
Why don't chickens like people ? They beat eggs !
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ? Because they're both full of stuffing !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ? Because talk is cheep !
Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ? Because eggs were going up !